Dear Wisdom Boy,

There is a boy who i have a crush and even he has a crush on me since a year.We never spoke directly and i called him a couple of times and i messed up completly by saying that i had to speak to him and shit which my friend spoke and he ignored me in school the next day when i tried to speak to him.My friends say maybe he ignorned me because even he tried to speak to me an hour ago but i didnt realize he was asking me.My friend called him up and told him that she apologises on behalf of me and he laughed and said he look it lite and he said i could meet him outside school if i had to share something personal with him.He still likes me so i am planning to ask him what he is trying to do as i am confused.

So please help me because we really have this spark between us and he is very shy and shivers in front of me.

~ Mahitha Reddy

Dear Red,

Well, this is a pickle. Wisdom is knowing when to shut up, I suppose, so we will continue to your question.

If he shivers in front of you, he’s either easily chilled or wants to hook up with you. My guess is the latter. In which case you can use any method you wish and have a great chance of success. I think you should meet him outside school and have a chat. If you like him, just smile a lot and laugh at his jokes.

Good luck!

Ever your wisdom and decryption person,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Firstly Good day and hope you are well.

I can’t think straight. 

My head is presently jumbled up.

My heart never gets jumbled up.

The two usually synchronise if i leave them alone to slug it out.

My question is this, at half the age of a Centurion should I stop worrying about it all and just watch soaps and start going to the Bingo?

~ Truly Hardly Mattering

Dear Hard Mat,

Thank you, I am well, as always, living the life of the mind in my imaginary penthouse with my imaginary harem. Sorry to hear about the jumbleage.

I ran the super-quasi-porto-scano-whacko-blasty-soulometer on you, and it turns out, dear Truly, that you are built for joy and not woe. I know, I know, it may not strike you that way at times, but the super-quasi-porto-scano-whacko-blasty-soulometer is never wrong.

So both myself and my finely-tuned intstrumentation have decided that it is time for you to stop worritin, lassie. We have also discerned that you are not in charge, so it’s okay to let go.

Also checked with my sources and you are a 1,267,965 on the Cosmic Mattering Scale, so we are all depending on you to squeeze some happiness out of your heart into your brain, and share it with us on the Spirit Channel.

Bingo and soaps, optional.

Your ever-expanding,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

So many questions, so little time….

#1
“Why do I do what I do, when I know what I know?” (read on the wall of an abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere) Does that dilemma ever happen to you, Wisdom Boy, and what do you do next? ( the question, not reading  the walls of abandoned shacks)
 
#2
Somebody told me they were ready for “poking holes in the fabric of consensual reality”  but what tools do you suggest for poking such a tough fabric? Or do you advise against such a plan, though it might provide a holy new view?
 
~ Redesigning my Livingroom

Dear Re-Room,

Very interesting questions, thank you. The reason people do what they do (despite knowing that they probably shouldn’t) is because they are not just one thing. Thoughts are great, and knowing stuff is well, but knowing something is a far cry from doing something. So remember, knowing + doing does not equal doing knowingly. One of those human mysteries, may have to do with the penis and vagina. I never have problems with a disconnect between what I know and what I do because I never do anything.

The fabric of consentual reality is tough, but Glad Wrap compared to real reality. Of course since nobody seems to know what real reality is, we can forget about that part. When reality depends on who you talk to, you know it’s time to eschew reality and go on to the next thing.

The main tool I use for poking holes in the fabric is fart jokes, but that’s just me. I would suggest you use forgiveness, though of course I suggest that for everything. Forgive those who think that their reality should be yours. That’ll throw ‘em for a loop.

Good luck with the room.

Ever your,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?

~ Rosefleur

Dear Rosy,

Had I my choice I would bring God to life, from the Bible. I know, I know, you’re saying “We have you, what do we need God for?” but modesty is a good portion of wisdom, and it precludes me from answering that question.

So there you go: God – even though the Bible does not, alas, actually qualify as one of my favorite books. I do like it, what with all the wisdom and stuff.

Your ever-pious,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

If one’s heart skips a beat, is that Love, Lust or Cholesterol build up?

Is flippancy, even used as a self-defence mechanism, and said with a twinkle in one’s eyes, ever justified?

Why can’t I ever stick at one question? Have I got questionitis?

I made a word up today…Healable, I liked it, tho’ embarrassed.

~ Truly Troublable.

Dear Troub,

When your heart skips a beat, that is love, or cardiac arrhythmia, both of which are caused by abnormal electrical impulses. Lust only causes extra beats, and cholesteral only slows beats down.

Flippancy is always justified, if not in the best taste at funerals. You can hurt feelings with it however, so I might recommend moderation, even with the best of intentions.

You cannot stick to one question because you have questionitis, but not to worry – that is how I got to be so wise, from the same aliment. The only cure is to amputate your curiosity, which I do not recommend.

Healable is a very good word. Thank you for inventing it.

Still your,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why does the porridge bird lay its eggs in the air?

~ Steven Ellis

Dear Mr. Ell,

As both expert ornithologist and longtime porridge man, I am uniquely suited to answer this question. Long have I hunted the devious porridge bird, which is very rare, due to so many broken eggs. Turns out there is only one mating pair left in existence, the female of which which finally came to its senses and laid her eggs above the proscenium arch in the old Firesign Theatre, that long disused ruin on Cherry-Tree Lane, in a town I must keep secret. One only hopes that the chicks retain their mother’s wisdom.

As to why the porridge bird deposits (or used to) its eggs in the air, I used my ornocryptotweetomizer to have a chat with the mother porridge bird, and she said her ancestors laid their eggs in air because they were idealists.

Egg on,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

If one has mislaid their sense of humour…and CBA’d finding it…can a substitute character trait be cut ‘n pasted in situ, to make do?

Is emotional intelligence and dubious wisdom comparable to that erudite shite…?

Why am I angry when I’m mostly usually a silly sod?

I like my money’s worth with these questions…does that make me cheeky?

~ Truly a pain in the arse x

Dear Arse X,

In times of stress and woe, yes, substitute character traits come in very handy. My own experience with repression and denial have been very positive – in the short term. It’s difficult to be well-arsed in the worst times, so definitely pretending to be okay will work for now. Fake laughter can turn into the real thing if you keep at it.

Emotional intelligence is the finest intelligence in all the land. Erudite shite does not compare. Dubious wisdom, however, is always dubious.

You are angry because you have been hurt. And anger is much preferable to depression, since it has so much more zing. Let your pissed-off ya yas out, because depression is rage unraged. You are a silly sod, just not right now. Let that be. Time is your ally, you silly.

And, since these questions don’t cost tuppence, yes, you are a bit cheeky, but I like you that way.

Still your,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

First I’d like to say I like you so much better than Magic 8 Ball. I don’t have to shake the beejeezuz out of you to get a three-word answer. You Rock!

Now my questions:

1.) God once told me the reason for all the fighting in the Middle East is due to cats. Can this possibly be true? If so, how?

2.) Can Neil Patrick Harris really fill the shoes of William Shatner?

3.) I’ve been ill lately and have started watching “Vampire Diaries”. I can’t seem to help myself. What can I do to break this habit?

4.) If you have a crush on someone on Twitter, should you tweet your undying love for them?

and finally,

5.) I have committed myself to dressing up @JosephLane for Halloween. I am truly at a loss for what to put him in, since I’ve dressed him in all possible ways I can think of to date. What do you think would be a good costume for him?

Thank you for your kind attention in these serious matters.

XXXOOOXXX,

~ VariantlyVal

Dear Riantly,

The fighting in the Middle East is due to one Aapep Bastet (Moonsnake Devourer in modern parlance), royal toilet-emptier of Ramsses II, who had a cat in his lap one time and got up without asking the cat’s permission. The cat goddess, Bast, a persnickity young thing, took umbrage and cursed the whole region for several thousand years. Oops, thanks Aapep.

Neil Patrick Harris wears size 11Cs and William Shatner size 12Ds, so yes he can fill his shoes, at least partly. Maybe stick some tissues in there.

The way to stop watching Vampire Diaries is to sprinkle your television with holy water and drive a stake through the heart of its screen.

If you want to declare your love to the whole world it is fine to tweet it. If you want to keep it a secret, just DM. Or not, your call.

My research into Joseph Lane indicates he is Canadian with a .07% crossdressing index, in which case I would recommend outfitting him in a can of Foster’s Lager for Halloween, which will indicate both his Canadian beer heritage and penchant for irony and satire, since he is from Up Downer and not Down Under.

Best ever,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why is Twitter so afraid of a pair of little birds? They shot us down and clipped our wings. But this one still lives. A solitary and broken flight.

~ Lili says hi

Dear Lil,

Twitter is afraid of a pair of little birds because it’s such a big bird. A hummingbird can destroy an eagle if it has a sharp enough beak.

I am sorry to hear they shot you down, but that’s the chance a bird takes. Earthbound creatures take potshots. So glad you lived. Too bad about your partner. A solitary bird still lives, and a broken flight is still flying.

Wing on, little birdie,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

How does one deal with the death of someone closer than close when one doesn’t believe in Heaven or Hell…. Is there such a thing as stopping the world and getting off? If not why are these silly things said?

Has anyone ever stopped the world and just got right off for a while…would it be as bad as camping?

Why can you pick your friends and not your mother…?

Have I asked too many questions this time?

Why can’t I sleep?

~ Truly Pamdora!

Dear Pamdora,

As Wisdom Boy I have extensive experience with failure, despite my youth, and have learnt from sad experience that one can never tell another how to deal. One’s dealings have to be dealt with by one’s self.

However, as a person who does not believe in an afterlife (from what you say) you may be helped if I elucidate belief. Many people agree with you and many do not. The only thing for sure is that nobody knows for sure, all they do is believe. Same with you. You do not know what happened to the spirit or beingness of your loved one after death. Mystery is not much consolation but it is all we have. Life is a mystery and then we die. Maybe we find out, who knows? We must cling to what we know, and that is that life is good, sometimes.

No one has ever stopped the world and gotten off. It would not be as bad as camping. Silly things are said because people are silly. You cannot pick your mother because you are not old enough. You have not asked too many questions.

My dearest Pamdora, you cannot sleep because you want to sleep. If you wanted to stay awake you would drop right off.

My deepest consolation for your loss, young friend. How can you deal with it? I do not know, but I know you must and you shall. Breathe deep and weep. Drink lots of water and eat.

Goddess bless,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Can you have your cake and eat it too?

~ Marie Antionette

Dear Ms. Antoinette,

Glad to see you managed to reattach your head.

Yes, one can have one’s cake and eat it too, but only in Cake Dimension X-P7b Yumyum, where a replacement cake will appear directly after you consume the first (they tend to be rather chubby in that dimension).

In our less fortunate dimension, however, one cannot, since as soon as you consume the cake it is gone forever, no longer to be had.

Sorry,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

If one has a treasure made of self, more precious and rare than an owned moon, or harnessed sun,  how deep should one bury it? Should it be known to all and sundry…or perhaps to none….

One man’s treasure is another man’s trash, they say. Is that just a saying meant to confuse us when attempting  to make decisions?

I think I need to stop thinking…perhaps that is my answer right there.

Truly Grateful to have found you.

~ Truly

Dear Tru,

The treasure made of self should never be buried. It should be scattered to the winds, for that treasure is not yours to keep, but belongs to the Creator, or Creatrix, in your case. If you hoard that treasure it will eventually lose its luster and begin to stink.

Many people hate it when others share their treasure, so expect to get hassled by a-holes.

The treasure/trash dichotomy is a true one, not meant to be confusing. Who cares what other people think of your treasure? It’s none of their business.

If you figure out how to stop thinking, please let me know. That’s a good trick.

Your equally grateful,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Seriously,……wait for it……..on my mind a lot today…Dignity…Pride… Discernment…Heart…Soul and Defense Mechanisms.

Revisit.

If a person can’t cut off all contact with  another person, who she knows is wholly unsuitable., for no tangible or specific reason…wisely unwisely either or neither. Should that person….

A. Be concerned and guard their Pride and Dignity?

B. Question their Discernment…?

C. Protect their Heart and Soul ? (not bragging but it’s a fine set of assets)

D. Be glad that many lifelong defence mechanisms have seemed less in evidence.

E. Stick with friendships as is known to excel at that.

Or just develop an interest in all things domestic and keep myself otherwise occupied?

Wisdom Boy, I think even you are not wise enough to make sense of that lot.

~ Mrs Truly Scrumptious if a little Rumbunctious. I refuse to say (it’s complicated) as crass! prefer ( it’s delicate) ;-(

ps I won’t hold you to a full answer…tall order!

Dear Mrs. Scrump/bunc,

No order is too tall for Wisdom Boy.

You should do A, B, C, D, and E, as well as keeping occupied, which is always a good idea unless one needs to relax and unwind. If the unsuitable person must be contacted, guard your dignity and pride, protect your heart, rejoice that your defense mechanisms are not kicking in too heavily, stick with your friends, and stay occupied with things you enjoy and are productive.

Also, as mortals, our discernment is generally in question, so you might want to keep an eye out as for whether this unspecified reason for the non-suitablity of contact is really a good reason.

Good luck!

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Seriously,……wait for it……..on my mind a lot today…Dignity… Pride… Discernment…Heart…Soul and Defense Mechanisms.

Your thoughts please, if I haven’t overloaded you… I should have added cheek to that…

I constantly struggle to juggle…my heads in a muggle.

~ Truly of the Junk Yard!

Dear Tru,

It is impossible to overload Wisdom Boy, unless we’re talking bags of groceries. My wisdom has the strength of Atlas.

You ask for my thoughts. I am a question answerer I’m afraid, dear Truly, not a thought process. My thoughts must remain a mystery to myself and others. If you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them, but as for dignity, pride, discernment, etc., those shall have to wait for a question.

I would, however, be interested in watching you juggle your heads.

Your defense mechanism,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

If one needs to, how does one go about getting too many songs out of their head?

In fact, is addiction to music healthy in head terms?

Is it a question of impact or are there other things to be worrying about? For example world peace, greedy corrupt politicians etc.

Truly of the Yardbirds

Dear Truly,

Addiction to music is the healthiest addiction one can have. If that is the only addiction you have, congratulations. There is no reason to get too many songs out of your head, since its impossible to have too many in there, unless you hate music.

Problems can occur when you have only one song in there, and it plays over and over. In very severe cases of earwig (one song over and over) sometimes the only cure is full-head amputation, which may have complications. Or you can sing Jingle Bell Rock, which cures all other cases of earwig.

There are no other things to worry about. There are only things to act on. Music is definitely the food of love.

Bon appétit!

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

How does one get back a remembering heart? Is a heart meant to be remembering? Was it all my imagination of a heart that remembered it once had a future?

~ Truly of The Yard 

Dear Yardly of the True,

Yes, a heart is meant to be remembering, dear one. That’s what makes them so painful sometimes. And oddly enough, the way to get back your remembering heart is to forget – and to forgive. Forgive your heart for being so painful to you, and forgive whoever or whatever gave you that pain that drove away remembrance.

It’s partly your imagination, since imagination is a part of everything we experience, but it’s also true that your heart has a glorious future. Every beat it takes drives you forward to that future. Beat on, and remember.

Remember, remember, remember,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

There’s a boy that I like and I think he likes me too. He is a little older than I but we still have a nice relationship. Some people say that he really likes me because the way he hugs me. He hugs me like doesn’t want to let me go or if he will never see me again. Also they said that he never hugged them like that. But everything when were together, and I see one of my friend he always trying to bag one of them. Yet when he is with me he flirts with me. I am so confused could you help me?

~ Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck-Mid,

First of all, never trust a boy older than you. Unless he proves his love by sacrificing something big, like an elephant or something. Flirting is not generally a good indicator of anything, other than a love of flirting. And when a teenage boy hugs a teenage girl, well, it sounds like his hugs are out of the ordinary, but I’m afraid I don’t have enough information here to give you a definitive answer on what to do.

The fact that he’s trying to bag one of your friends may be an indicator that caution could be a good first step with this young man. Time wounds all heels, as my grandmammy used to say. Give him some time to prove his intentions with you. Just who is he trying to bag here?

Beware all teenage boys, they are a hormone factory, even though some of them are honorable and just, or would be if they could.

One thing that helps me with confusion is to go to sleep. When I’m asleep I’m rarely confused, which is a relief.

Best wishes and good luck,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

I really lyk a boy but i dnt no if he likes me

What shall i do?

~ Naomiii Baybeee

Dear Bayb,

In cases like this, one thing to try is to glance at him sidelong and let your heart flower inside you, knees kinda watery, ankles tingling, stomach who knows where? Smile if your lips wish to. If he sees you, and isn’t as obtuse as most teenage boys, he’ll learn you like him and then respond in kind, at least one would hope so.

Or you could punch him. If he doesn’t like you already, that may help. Boys at an early age come to associate love with pain (sometimes they’re wiser than they look), and a good pop in the shoulder may remind him that he likes you. Just don’t hit him too hard, in the stomach or anything. Too much pain is bad. Merely a wakeup jolt. But not too easy, neither. A friendly punch.

Good luck,

Wisdom Boy

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Hi Wisdom Boy,
 
What a cool site you have!!! Ok my question!!! Why must we continue to be hammered with this economic crisis, I know we are in trouble but why must we focus on it? I know we have some good information out there!!!

And why do people not shut the door when they come in??

Hope you are having a great day!!! Hope you had a nice weekend!!!
 
Mary Frances Armendariz “Fran”
New York Life Agent
303 548-2586

“The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire not things we fear.”

~ Brian Tracy

Dear Fran,

Why thank you, dear friend, Mr. Wolf really appreciates your kind comment on the site.

As for your question, hmmm, excuse me for a moment while I go make some coffee. The brain cells need some perkage for this one.

…First of all, my name is Wisdom Boy, not Omniscience Fella, alas, so the whys of things sometime escape even my all-encompassing and ever-ranging wisdom. A good part of wisdom is knowing where knowledge stops. Mine stops somewhere in the vicinity of why, at least on a question like this.

We could do like most people and blame somebody. Unfortunately, as enjoyable as it is, blame has no place in an answer from Wisdom Boy, since I noticed that every time I blame someone, including myself, the universe splorts on my head, or else ignores me. A fine hobby for those who enjoy relaxing pastimes, but not productive in the wisdom line.

There are cycles, of course. Things on earth go up and down. Natural regulation and stuff, day and night, birth and death. It’s natural. A storm after a calm.

Fear.

A good chance for us as a nation to practice dealing with our fear. I would recommend dealing with fear head on, instead of dealing with it by buying and eating and consuming and numbing ourselves with television and internet – except that’s how I do it, so I can’t.

The only way we will ever change is if circumstances make us. Do you think we need to change?

Perhaps there is a spiritual component to economics.

Opportunity has arrived,

Wisdom Boy

(My day is superb, thank you. And people have been leaving your door open because a curse has been placed on it, the dreaded Leavonio Openorius curse. I sent my sorcerous assistant, Madame Gurdlesleet of Spellborne Alley, to remove the curse. Hopefully that will help. She does good work, even in hard times.)

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

OK Wisdom Boy…riddle me this: If a poet writes a poem in the middle of the woods and a tree falls, does it make a sound?

~ Josy Prosy

Dear Pro,

Only if it falls on the poet and the poet yawps in pain. Otherwise not.

Your ever-knower,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

How do the creators of Sudoku puzzles create them? Do they use a special Sudoku creation program? When I do Sudoku puzzles, I have sometimes noticed that the location of the numbers seems very familiar like I have done that puzzle before only it started out differently. How many possible Sudoku puzzle variations are there?

~ Puzzled

Dear Puzz,

The etymology of the word sudoku is a fascinating study in its own worth: the word being a combination of the three Japanese characters for Big, Brain, Hurt, and the French soecucue, meaning sacré bleu in French. The puzzles themselves are created by captive Pokemen who are hidden under an exploding volcano near Tokoyo. Before that it was some guy in Indiana.

Beware of working too many similar puzzles, dear puzz, for excessive puzzlinchronicity has been known to send the puzzler spinning into alternate dimensions, filled with nothing but pachinko parlors and giant numbers.

The number of variations in a standard Sudoku grid is 6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960.

Always puzzling on your behalf,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Is it true a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s?

~ Serious about Saliva

Dear Saliva,

It depends on the dog, and the human. Most of the time it is true, a dog’s mouth contains fewer disagreeable bacterium than a human’s does, but never trust a dog who has been feasting on feces. Also, humans who only eat soylent green will generally have tidy mouths.

However, aliens’ mouths are in general cleaner than dogs.

Your spit expert,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

How come when you shoot your darts from your blow gun into a power pole out the window they don’t bounce off and come back?

~ Magumbie

Dear M. gumbie,

I was wondering when somebody would finally ask me that. I tell you, young searcher, the answer resides in a combination of physics, air harmonics, football diagrams, spirit density, and quasi-luminarious dreaming. That is to say, such a pointed question deserves a deflective answer.

The reason I was so driven to shooting is probably best explained by a biologist, but for my aim we must go to Robin Hood, to find anything comparable. For you see, the aim is all in these cases.

Had I missed my aim, and nailed a passing car, or the light guard, or something metal, most likely the airy missles would have bounced, if not back, at least somewhere. But as that fabled pole was wooden, they stuck, sometimes.

Your correct trajectoryite,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Is there a way to tell, before the game, if we are looking at the genuine Jay Cutler or Brian Griese in his Jay Cutler Halloween costume?

~ Brock D’oh Bama

Dear D’oh,

May the blessings of The Great God Elway be upon you and upon all your generations.

I have it on good authority that Brian Griese wore a Little Bo Peep costume on Halloween this year, so don’t think that was him in Thursday’s game. Also, I designed an implant for Cutler’s passing eye, so in the future he will be able to be able to discern when a defender is between himself and his receiver. We can only pray it works.

Your Matriculator down All Fields,

Wisdom Boy

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Hi Wisdom Boy,

Thank you for the great speech to give at my going-away party.

What is a great speech for me to give at my friend’s going-away party?

~ Sharon

Dear Sharon,

You are welcome, my questioneer. As for a friend?

“Quiet now.” (ding ding ding) “Excuse me for a moment…quiet, please…SHUT UP!

As you know, our beloved friend and dear colleague is leaving us. S/he has been like a bro/ister to my heart, and a very great help to everyone during the recent distressing times. I would like to thank him/er very much for all the support and wisdom. I would also like to condemn her/im very much for leaving us in the lurch.

Good luck finding somebody better than us.”

Your,

Wisdom Boy

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Hi Wisdom Boy,

What is a great speech to give at a going-away party?

~ Sharon

Dear Sharon,

“My dear friends and enemies, we have been together for some time now, and I thank you deeply for all the help and pain you have given me. Both have helped me grow. It was a pleasure to _______ with you.

But now I must be off. Grander designs than even this have called me hither. Bless you all and to all a good night!”

Hope that helps,

Wisdom Boy

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Hi Wisdom Boy,

What are some really really good stock answers to give to artists when they are being critiqued in a way that is tough for them to take?

What are some awesome successful actions to give artists/any kind of them to promote?

Much love,

~ Kathy Smith

Dear Ms. Sm.,

The main thing to remember with artists is that they need to suffer intensely for their art. So as dedicated supporters of artists and their work, our central task is to ensure that happens.

Helpful stock answers:

1. You suck.
2. Eat shit and die.
3. I hate you.
4. God hates you.
5. You make me puke.

The most successful action one can take to help an artist promote her work is to hire a skilled promoter for her. The second most successful action might be to torment her enough to make her art become so astonishingly full of suffering that it promotes itself. Third: personality transplant.

As for the artist himself, the very most successful action he can take to promote his work is to be good as all get-out. The second, perhaps, to believe.

Ever yours in torment and in truth,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why is it that when I was sixteen, I had to wear size 16 slacks and now, almost 45 years later I can wear size 10 slacks even though I weigh 35 pounds more than I did back then?

Yours Truly,

~ Amazing Senior Citizen Woman

Dear Amazing Wo,

Two reasons: your heart and your brain. Both are considerably heavier than they were back in the day, from all the accumulated love and wisdom. Plus it’s God’s way of letting females know how special they are.

Your ultralight,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

I’ve been wondering, where does “thoughts become things” fit into “no-mind”? Any thoughts?

Yours in endless confusion,

~ Betwixt & Between

Dear B&B,

Thoughts? You bet. The one thing I have plenty of. More than enough actually. That’s why I give them away so freely. Out, out, damned thought! I have about as much luck with that as poor Mrs. Macbeth.

So you will find, dear double-bee, that I am unqualfied to discuss “no-mind”. Of course that won’t stop me, but please keep that in no-mind as you read along. I’m Wisdom Boy, not The Enlightenment Kid.

Thoughts do become things, we know that for a fact. A lightbulb goes off in a cartoon above Alva Edison’s head and what happens, voila, he invents the light bulb! Or old Eunice McFlaerty decides on pruney bran flakes for breakfast and what happens, voila, a poop!

Thoughts also do not become things, for a fact. If all thoughts became things we would be in a mighty pickle, and my pickle would be a mighty thing. Too mighty, one might imagine, were my imagination to surpass my wisdom, as it almost always does.

However, for our purposes we will use the phrase as intended, to imply that our experience emerges from our thoughts to a stronger degree than is normally assumed. For that to fit into “no mind” we might have to give the concept some pretty shrewd knocks, skew it a little, twist it up some. Because taken literally, if both concepts are true, it would mean that a master or yogi or really drunk guy would have no experience or an experience of pure void, which isn’t the case except for the drunk guy.

I wonder if confusion is catching. I seem to be getting some of yours. Thank goodness I’m so wise. If I weren’t, this would be a hard question to answer.

One might say that persons experiencing the state of no-mind would have no thoughts, so they wouldn’t be creating any-thing. Their experience would be thingless. All they would be experiencing is what truly is, sans all the things created by thought. Is that possible? Or only a semantic doh-si-doh?

The answer to your question is: yes.

And good luck with your confusion. Thank you for sharing it. Luckily my immense wisdom imparts to my confusion a short half-life. A big part of wisdom is knowing how dumb you are.

Your thought machine,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why do people exist?

~ Doody Doom

Dear Dood,

People exist so they can agree with me. – At least I used to think that was the case, until I became wise, which happened as always after a series of regrettable calamaties, mostly involving disagreement of one kind or another.

Now, at long last, I realize that the reason people exist is so they can agree with themselves. Turns out people weren’t born to agree with me. Who knew? Every person is a singular event or wave through time that is special. And the job of the world is to get that wavelength out of tune with itself. Works great, huh?

The person who can tune in or resonate at the vibe he or she was born to activate (though born with may be more accurate), now that person is existing in the whyness. Everyone sees it. Everyone knows it. They want to be like her, or him.

Ha, can’t they see? They want to be like themselves. People exist to become who they are.

Your ever-breathing,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

What is celebrated for Juneteenth?

~ Pierced and Pondering in Production

Dear P&PP,

Juneteenth is a glorious holiday, a hallowed celebration of freedom, that thing I prize most in all the world after my magnificent brain. It celebrates the freedom of white people from being total assholes and set us on the emancipatory path of only being partial a-holes.

We continue to make strides thanks to the wisdom and forgiveness of our darker-skinned brothers and sisters.

Halleluiah June Nineteenth!

Your piebald,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear WisBo,
 
Boredom is wrenching at my mind after reading STONEBRINGER and methinks meneeds m-more.  Bring it on for the SB junkee in me.  A sequal, a squal, a new revival of the fittest to grace a page from your meticulousness.
 
How might I bribe thee into fortuitous legend?  (Beautiful women surround me in awe once they realize I have an unsigned copy of STONEBRINGER and have personal knowledge of the author.  Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help meeeee, oooooo….).
 
~ Rigger Mortis, Ballist Mastadon Mine Minstrels, Webmaster of http://cvbba.org/

Dear Rig M B M M M W o h,

I know what you mean about beautiful women surrounding one in awe. I have that problem myself and understand what difficulties it can present. It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t so in awe, though it is difficult to walk without bumping into something well-shaped and jiggly.

I too have read Stonebringer and am awaiting a sequel. Don’t know the author personally, but my friend Lone Wolf III apparently has some contact with him. I will suggest to III that he prod his friend a little bit.

One thing you might try with the beautiful women is extended avoidance of showers. That may help them be less in awe.

Your fellow reader,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

What do you get a 10 year old girl for her birthday when she already has everything a 10 year old could possibly want?

~ Natalie of NL

Dear Nat of N,

Ten year olds, by nature, are given to wanting everything they could possibly have, so unless your ten year-old already owns everything in the universe, you are in luck.

I hesitate to suggest such a valuable and rare gift, but have you thought of giving her time? At ten years of age, it may be possible that she has not retreated totally into her teenage shell of peers, so that if you spend some time with her, it may not be too terribly painful.

Give her your time, an ice cream cone or a carnival pastry with a big hug.

Still your,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why do our brains think so many thoughts that have nothing to do with what is actually happening?

I hope you please find time to answer me very very soon my head aches.

~ Pondering in Poughkeepsie

Dear Pond in Pough,

The reason our brains think so many thoughts that have nothing to do with what’s happening is because what is actually happening is boring as hell.  At least one’s brain thinks so, and that is the peccant part in this case.

You see, my rippling Pond, our brain design and construction was farmed out by God to Al’s Intercosmonoid Flanistans and Brains, Ltd. And where they come from things are a lot more interesting, at least to brains. Third graders can solve the square root of infinity in their heads and cooperation is considered an art mastered in a week by the meanest of children. Every planet has twelve moons and days sometimes run in reverse. Quite entertaining, for brains.

Here,  of course, we don’t even have to learn to cooperate, all we do is fight, something easily accomplished by the limbic system, or even just the plain ol’ brainstem, so our neocortex is left twiddling its proverbial hemispheres. Thus, deus ex busted machina: think and stink.

For headaches I recommend jiggling your brain around inside your skull with head motions grooving to the sound of Taiko drums. Helps to integrate all those different parts that Al’s so rudely cobbled together.

Your brain of brains,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

What is the difference between me?

~ Dewey Ality

Dear Dew,

The difference between me is much like the difference between we, but with fewer subjects.

You are me and I am me too – only we’re only me when we’re not you. That is to say, we are both me, at least when we aren’t the other non-me. If we are you then we ain’t me, see?

So that means there are two mes. The you-me and the me-me. That is the difference.

Your loving brainiac,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

What do people never think about?

~ Almost in Ireland

Dear Al,

The first thing people never think about is me. They always think about their ownselves. No accounting for taste, I guess.

It’s starting to get on my nerves, frankly, and is one of the few mysteries left to my all-encompassing cranium.

Your remaining calm and wise,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why is it that PURPLE juice comes out of BLUEberries when the inside of the BLUEberry has a GREENish color?

~ Femme chien

Dear Fem chi,

Don’t that just beat all? I love how life is so weird sometimes.

Blueberries were originally called bluepurplejuicegreeninsidesberries, but at the Great Berry Convocation of Tarto Bingseed held one evening in Byzantium in the summer of 1173 (a dry summer in those parts, according to my records), Grand Berrymaster Meinhold Backslipper Quank introduced the present naming convention as part of his international berry simplification project.

He also tried to convince people tomatoes aren’t poisonous, but failed, alas, so it was many centuries before diners who hate tomatoes were able to hide them in the bottom of their salads.

Your conscientious and always-correct,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

~ Læreren of Børn

Dear Læ de B.,

The reason glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle is because glue is designed to stick to other stuff. If it stuck to itself it wouldn’t be glue anymore, but blob, and blob is generally useless for gluing.

It is possible to obtain museum-quality self-sticking glue, but the reason it’s museum quality is because that’s all it’s good for, to sit in a museum, a monument to what happens when you stick to yourself.

Ever your slick,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

What is the opposite of opposite?

~ Lady Alphena of the Kaala Wolf Tribe

Dear Lady Alph,

The opposite of opposite is posit.

When calculating the opposite of any opposite, or the opposite of opposite itself, one must take into account the opposition factor, which is the opposite of what you might think it is.

So one finds that to understand the opposite of opposite, one must disunderstand.

Understand?

Your brilliant friend,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

~ Professor Eugene Owlson, Oakwood University

Dear Eug,

Depends on the tongue.

Human: 500
Cat: 250
Dog: Couldn’t get one to lick long enough without chewing
Spider Monkey: 700
Lowland Gorilla: 45
Amoeba: 256,327,423
Elephant: 3
Whale: -5

Your candy-coated expert,

Wisdom Boy

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Dear Wisdom Boy,

Who am I and what am I doing here?

~ Baron Munchmuffin of the Royal Sclerotic Dragoons

Dear Bar,

You, my friend, are God on a stick, a miracle in miniature, a wonder and a blessing upon the planet and the very Milky Way itself. You are far beyond perfection, you are mistaktion, a sacred living learning machine, formed from two essential elements, energy and love. A living testament to the wisdom and beauty of God. A magnificent and mighty child of God, for what is the second most powerful force in the universe besides the Almighty? His children of course.

You blink and cosmii roll, you sigh and empires tumble. You carve the air on a whim and rule the skies in your spare time.

You, my beloved Baron, are a mystery only you can solve. But I’ll sell you the key for ten bucks since I’m a little short these days.

As far as what you’re doing here? Hell if I know. That’s your business.

Always your brother in Truth and Fiction,

Zoltar the Unruly One, a.k.a. Wisdom Boy

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Wisdom Boy, what is the most common thought in human mind?

~ Fabulous Finlander

Dear Fab Fin,

Is this a trick question? Because everyone knows the most common thought, or thought-group, in the male mind. I can vouch for that one personally, having to schedule five minutes off every hour from thinking about sex just to find time to address all the questions my wisdom impels me to answer.

So I must conclude we are wondering about the female mind – in which case, keep wondering. I may be Wisdom Boy, but I ain’t omniscient. I’m as much in the dark about the female mind as females are.

However, you did say human, regardless of gender, so I know exactly what the most common thought is: Me.

Me me me me me. At least that’s what I think about most, and that’s a fact, other than sex of course, and how wise I am.

Your Ever-Loving (and always true),

Wisdom Boy

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6 Responses to “Ask Wisdom Boy!”

1. Corinne Brown says:

   May 26, 2008 at 11:43 am

   So, why should you be different?
   The real question is–what can you do about it???

   Fondly, Wisdom Seeker

   Reply
2. P.J. says:

   August 25, 2009 at 12:28 pm

   Many Thanks, for your sage advice W.B.

   I am a certifiable Silly Billy at times (although, a female Billy is really a Nanny)!

   I can live with the songdedumdedahdetude, as my head is fortunately sound proofed. However sometimes, I can come over…..and I think the family term it, *Away with herself again, best left alone, until she’s overdosed and needs a slap, just to bring her back round*.

   As for my addiction to second helpings of Banoffee Pie, now conquered but still lurking. I will seek advice when my Cakehole starts to develop a mind of it’s own again.

   Yours Truly,

   Truly

   Reply
3. Wisdom Boy says:

   August 25, 2009 at 12:31 pm

   Hey Truly, so glad I could help. My wisdom is always at your disposal, as is my predeliction for Banoffee pie, if you need to get rid of some.

   Best wishes, and good luck with the earwigs,

   Wisdom Boy

   Reply
4. Truly Rumbunctious says:

   August 26, 2009 at 8:34 am

   Dear WB,

   As you see, I have at last found the correct route for commenting. As i’m a last word freak, this had bothered me.

   It may be your undoing in terms of polite reply.

   I find ignoring usually works as I catch on quickly after no more than say a hundred ignores.

   The Banoffee Pie thing is something that right minded Wisdom Boys should never unleash upon themselves…I term it…Pandora Pie Predeliction Predicament..you’ll find no Lancet or Medical Journal references as yet.

   I have not offered myself up as a case study. I can’t stand Medical types fighting over my many syndromes. it can become tedious at best.

   Words of advice will suffice, for you own sake.

   Thanks for all your wisdom. as usual priceless.

   Truly Thankful

   Reply
5. Truly Rumbunctious says:

   September 5, 2009 at 12:59 am

   W,B,

   Huge Smile,

   I find, this morning, on reading your advice, that the smile, playing about my face, was the medicine to aid the advice.

   You are invaluable.

   Hope you don’t start charging.

   I’d be needing to work harder, then that would be category F.

   Have a wonderful Sleep W.B.

   I am now…Clarity Personified. )

   Truly Fixed.

   Reply
6. Truly Forgetful Heart Me Myself I says:

   September 30, 2009 at 3:56 am

   Wisdom Boy,

   You are my honorory brother…I’ve statused you that way.

   Unfortunately once i status you..there is no undo…

   I require copious amounts of pretend prezzies cyber style on that fateful day..

   Mommie Dearest is dead so your overall good elf is safe…she was detimental to elfs one way or another…

   You are in a fine bunch of WotNots..my bruvs are amazing…cos they love me dearly…

   We won’t mention Alex as he wants me to be growing up and acting more Conservatively..His head is full of Erudite Shite…

   He aint got one over on me yet so what good any of that has done him is beyond me Pff..

   .

   Truly getting her MoJo backx

   Oh ps….I value your good opinions always.

   Reply